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I have been often asked to describe myself. When I was younger, I often wrote
about my love for animals and nature, my passion for reading, and my sense of humor.
As I grew older, almost all of my passions intensified, and, though I didn't see it clearly
at the time, began to focus into a single longing. In 10th grade, my English teacher asked
me to write a poem about myself. I felt confused. I didn't know who I was; nothing in the
world seemed very concrete anymore. So I wrote bout the strongest thing I felt, and
so, unconsciously, I came closer than I knew for writing about my only true self, my soul.
The poem was about a girl who wants to dive into the deep, blue water and dissolve
her substance into its free, flowing, beauty. Just as she begins to feel herself melt, she
suddenly becomes aware of the armor she was wearing, the weight of which, instead of
drawing her deeper beneath the surface, somehow begins to drag her upwards until she's
forced to breathe the air she dreads. Even after I wrote this poem, I wasn't exactly sure
what I meant, but now, looking back, I'm astounded at the clarity of the imagery I used.
I'm asked to describe myself now, though my perspective and understanding have
changed much in the past 2 years, much of what that poem said still applies. I don't know
what my characteristics are. I've put on many masks. I've played the role of the smart,
spunky, precocious little girl; I've played the intellectual, analytical, depressed
adolescent; I've played at the environmentally conscious, outdoors type of person; but I
knew when I wrote that poem, and I know that without a doubt, none of these were who I
truly am. I can choose to play any role, but what I really want is to remove all my masks,
shed all that armor, and sink into the ocean of my true self.
For much of my life I've been an accomplished actress. I went to the United Nations
for a youth conference in 5th grade with an environmental group. In 8th grade I won the
Student of the Year award in my favorite class, Anthropology. In 9th and 10th grade I
won more academic awards and became the most active participant and representative of
the Devil's Canyon Wilderness Program, our school's outdoors group. I went backpacking in New Mexico, rock climbing and mountain biking in the greenbelt in
Austin, and caving in Mexico. I spent almost all my free time building a Straw Bale Building, on my high school campus, which became the new Outdoors Club
headquarters. Everything I did was rewarded, and all my teachers and counselors loved
me, but my hidden longing still persisted, and even grew.
I realize now that none of these things I did, thought they taught me much, could ever
have filled that longing. How could the awards and accomplishments of a mask ever
fulfill me? How could other people and things ever fill the role of what I truly sought-
my own self? So what is my plan now? To take off all my masks and be who I am.
How would I describe myself today? I am a lover of truth, a lover of love, I am a soul.
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