My daughter, who just turned 11, is extremely sensitive to change and shy.  Thus, she refuses to admit that she is growing up and that her body is changing.  She is a beautiful, bright and likable girl, but she won't wear anything but baggy t-shirts and sweat shirts to hide her developing breasts.  Her class went to the opera and she was told to wear something "dressy and elegant."  She refused to go shopping or wear anything nice except navy cotton GAP pants with a solid sweat shirt and running shoes.  She has not started her period, but the doctor recently told her that her time will likely start before she turns 12.  This news made her cry and I am not allowed to talk about it with her.  Meantime, I love clothes, but not overly "girly girl" items, but I know how to dress appropriately for work or parties or church.  I know this is a stage, but how long must I endure it and what can I do to guide her through it and show her I love her?  I am celebrating the fact that she doesn't want to wear halter tops, hip huggers and tatoos.  But there must be a happy medium!

I would start with depersonalizing your daughter's response: it's not a failure on your part, a statement about your parenting, or a rebellion against your values.  If you can imagine what might be going on in her world, it might help you come up with a good approach.  Your daughter is a young girl, not too far removed from being a little kid, who is suddenly living in an alien body.  Imagine 2 months from now if your body began morphing on you, it may be exciting, or it may be terrifying.  Since she is obviously entering puberty, she is also experiencing a hormone shift which may produce some confusing feelings.  Some girls are quite perplexed by their emotions: anger that may come out of nowhere, sudden lack of confidence, worry about what other people think of them.  Her whole world is shifting.  Parents who are long-removed from puberty might find this exciting or cute, but it sounds like your daughter is afraid.  I wonder if you might have had some similar worries at puberty?  Or remember feeling horribly exposed as your breasts developed and boys felt completely free to comment on them.  I certainly remember wanting to crawl in a hole.

If your daughter is ahead of the pack, and my guess is that she is, she probably feels very self-conscious.  Her choice of clothes is telling me that she is hiding, so I'm curious what she is hiding from.  Is it just worry about others noticing, or is it that her peers commented on her body or on other girls' and embarrassed her?  Or do you guys have conversations about her changing body that embarrasses her?  You are obviously a caring mother, or you wouldn't be seeking guidance with this, and I think your desire to convince her to be more confident and outgoing is really normal.  Unfortunately, if this turns into a battle of wills, you will begin to see her pull away more.  Her acceptance of this and a desire to embrace her body need to be internal, it can't be forced on her if she is not ready.  It may take a while, and in the meantime there are things you can do for her.

Accept her for exactly who she is, baggy sweats and all, and focus instead on areas of strength she is willing to focus on.  I know you already do this, but when you are worried it is easy to make that the topic of conversation and forget to talk up all the things that make her feel great.  Whatever she is willing to talk to you about, great, accept her lead and I wouldn't mention her body or wardrobe unless she comes to you about it.  Empathize with her to build her trust so she can come to you.  If she is scared of these changes, she comes to you and you say, "Honey, I don't know why you hide yourself.  This is a wonderful time, you are beautiful and don't need to worry about this", she is going to think, "Man, she doesn't get it.  She thinks I'm wrong, she doesn't understand, so I'm not going to bother talking to her about it anymore."  Instead you might try saying something like, "This can be intimidating and scary to go through so many changes."  Relate a story to her about a time when you were young and felt insecure.  Be careful about trying to convince her to feel a different way, her feelings are what they are.  Instead I think pre-teens feel more relief when they hear that their feelings are valid and normal, they are not alone, you've gone through it too and get it, and that if she needs a safe person to talk to, you are it.

Also, you might encourage her to explore extracurricular activities that affirm a positive sense of self and get her thinking about something other than how she looks.  Help her find out what her interests are if she doesn't yet have hobbies she would like to pursue.  And most of all, be patient with her; this stage won't last forever.

Our daughter is 13 and is just now beginning to be called (and bothered) by boys.  As parents, we never started out this young and are not quite sure how to deal with this new situation.  She goes to see female friends and we then discover that the boys who are calling her are there.

It does seem like girls are starting younger and younger, and it is a huge mental shift for parents when their kids become interested in the opposite sex.  This is a good opportunity to start having conversations with your daughter about dating.  As much as we would like to tell our kids they shouldn't even think about the opposite sex for another few years, if she's jumping in now, the issue needs to be addressed now.

I would start by opening up a conversation at a calm time, casually.  You not only want to tell her how you feel about her interest in the opposite sex, you want to hear what she has to say.  Keep in mind that this conversation is paving the way for her to come to you now and in the future about relationships, sex, etc.  If you are open-minded and fair, are willing to listen to her perspective, even if you are going to make some rules that she doesn't necessarily agree with, she is more likely to trust you with the bigger concerns and problems that will come up over the next few years.  Remember that it is her job as a teenager to push for more and more independence, and your job as a parent to begin to loosen the reins little by little, in developmentally appropriate ways, so that she learns to be a pretty functional adult.

If you are a two-parent household, talk about what you as parents are comfortable with at this point.  Start with the fact that she is interested in boys, there is no turning back, and this is developmentally appropriate.  So, given that, what are the guidelines going to be?  Going out on an individual date is way over her head, she doesn't have the skills yet to handle things that may come up.  But what can she do?  Talking on the phone is appropriate, as is your setting a time limit on her phone calls, as you probably do with her girlfriends.  Going out in public with a group of friends, and going to a mixed-gender party that is chaperoned by an adult who is definitely going to be present is also pretty par for the course.  It is essential that you are clear with your daughter that these are the expectations, and that she needs to be honest with you about who is going to be at any social occasion.  If she's not, then you would handle it like any broken rule:  be fair and consistent with the consequences, then give her a chance to earn your trust back.  You also really need to talk about sex with her.  What are your family's values and expectations?  Let her know she can come to you if she has questions, if she hears something about sex that doesn't seem true to her, or if someone is bothering her, pushing her, or intimidating her.  She needs to know that you are going to listen to her, be fair, help her if she needs help.  I think the fact that you are asking questions and looking for resources already shows that you are an involved, caring parent.  That will serve you well in the years ahead.

We recently moved from Orlando to Geneva, Switzerland.  Our 15-yr old daughter is attending a private, international school.  Week one went fine but yesterday she was in tears.  It appears that a group of girls has now singled her out and are starting to spread hurtful lies about our daughter.  Our daughter is bright, social, and very pretty so she has never experienced this before.  She is used to being friends with everyone.

I have researched the web to find advice on how she should deal with these girls but am confused as to whether she should take them on with direct discussion or 'ignore' and hope they will eventually lose interest in their new 'sport'.  Please let me know information I can provide to her so that she can better deal with this.  She naturally doesn't want her parents to intervene.

I don't think there is one right answer here.  A lot of it depends on your daughter's comfort level, and also on how the girls respond to it.  This has to be very difficult for your daughter and for you, as you all are trying to make a major adjustment in the midst of this.  Bullying often makes the targeted person feel isolated and out of control, so it is essential she has your emotional support first of all, and also that she is involved in any decisions about what to do.  Some bullies do lose interest if they get no response.  With gossip, however, they may be getting a lot of attention from others, which just fuels the behavior.  I would brainstorm with your daughter all the possible ways to address this, including getting the administration involved, weigh out the pros and cons of each option with her, and let her decide a course of action that feels the most comfortable to her.  You can check in about it periodically and she may wish to try something different in a couple of weeks if it continues.

In the meantime, I hope she has a chance to get involved in activities that interest her, and get to know the other kids.  That can help combat the gossip mill; as she builds friendships, they have less power over her.  If this begins to affect her grades, or if it starts having a dramatic effect on her, like interfering with eating or sleeping, if she begins making statements that point to hopelessness and giving up, I would urge you to go to the administration.

Is masturbation a good thing?

Masturbation really doesn't come down to good thing/bad thing. It's just a thing. It's also very normal, and yes, the vast majority of people experiment with it at some point in their lives. For many people, this is a normal, healthy, regular part of their sexuality. It is an often joked about, often made fun of activity, but our society tends to freak out about sexual topics anyway, so I guess it makes sense that masturbation has gotten a bad rap.

Kids become interested in their bodies when they are toddlers, and many a parent has been deeply embarrassed to see their toddler with their hand in their diaper in front of company. But to a little kid, if it feels good, why not? Most kids seem to forget about it again until they hit puberty, their hormones start jumping, and they begin to feel attracted to other people. A teen's body starts to respond sexually, is more likely to feel arousal, and masturbation is usually not far behind. Very normal.

My almost 11 year old daughter is starting a new school in France. The children in her class will be from around the world and not all will speak English or French. What can I do to help her feel more comfortable,tips to give her about meeting the kids & starting a new school mid-year? Thank you!

The most important thing you can do is to be there to listen to and support your daughter. Ask her how she's feeling and listen to her, hold her hand, give her a hug, let her talk about her concerns and fears without immediately trying to advise or fix. You might have a conversation with her about other big changes she's made in her life, and ask her what helped her get through those. Help her explore the strengths she has used in the past to cope with big changes, and remind her that she can still rely on her past coping skills in this new situation, too. Has she ever made a big school change? How did she make friends? How long did it take her to feel comfortable?

You guys can brainstorm together things that will help her feel more comfortable--is she going to be living at home or at school? What can her family do to help her transition? As far as making friends, you might prep the teacher and ask her to take your daughter under her wing until she gets more comfortable. The teacher can be a great help in getting your daughter integrated into the classroom more quickly and alert you to any concerns. You can also coach your daughter about making new friends. It's a lot easier to approach someone individually than to break into an established friendship group. She might start with choosing one person who seems friendly and who has something in common with your daughter--maybe they come from the same area, or seem interested in the same topics. She could ask to sit by them at lunch and ask about their common interest--"I saw your drawing, it was really good. I like to draw, too." You might role play with her how to approach someone she thinks might be a good friend. One of the easiest ways to get to know people is to get involved in school outside of classes. I don't know if they have clubs, sports, or other organizations, but that can immediately put her with other kids who share her interests. I wish you both the best of luck!

My teenaged daughter cuts herself to relieve stress. She has signed a contract stating she wouldn't do this anymore but yesterday after a particularly stressful day she did it again. I plan to get her back into therapy next month. Any suggestions in the interim will be welcome. Fortunately she finally discussed the reasons..the REAL reasons for the stress with me.

What a heart-wrenching experience this must be for you. Cutting, also known as self-mutilation, is a very confusing act, especially for loved ones. Cutting is a physical manifestation of emotional pain and is used to either distract the person from intense emotional pain, or to bring comfort if they have come to closely associate love with physical pain. I'm glad your daughter finally shared with you what is going on with her, and also glad to hear she is going to be going to counseling. This can be an intimidating subject even for seasoned therapists, so I would strongly recommend working with someone who has experience with other clients who cut and feels relatively comfortable and confident in their work. It is a very complex issue. Also, to dispel a common myth, cutting is not a suicide attempt. However, cutting can be dangerous if the person doing in inadvertently cuts too deep or in an area with a major vein.

Since cutting has become her coping skill, it is important to not simply strip this away without some safety net. If she has no other means of relieving her anxiety, stress will likely build until she sees no other option but to cut again. You and your daughter might sit down and brainstorm a list of other stress-relievers that she will agree to try first. Place this list in locations around the house where she can see them--her room, bathroom mirror, or refrigerator. Because cutting is an expression of emotional pain, it will be important to help her learn to express her emotional pain in a way that can resolve it, such as journaling. Other stress relievers might include meditating, working out on a punching bag, talking to you or a friend, and even wearing a rubber band around her wrist and snapping it. The sting of this action may provide a similar physical release, but it won't be damaging or dangerous to her. I love the idea of your contract, and so this might be part of it--trying 2 other things, and lastly, to come tell you or even call a hotline before she cuts.

Meanwhile, it is important that you continue to be a safe person for her to talk to. Obviously, you have provided her emotional security in this, or she wouldn't have told you what she did. Many people who cut keep their painful emotions inside because they fear their parents reaction--whether the parent is prone to "blowing up", being emotionally reactive, or the child just worries that the parent cannot handle the child's feelings (which, in teens, can be pretty intense). Therefore, it is important to listen calmly, and with warmth and compassion. You both also might consider reading books on the subject. I recommend A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain by Marilee Strong and The Scarred Soul: Understanding and Ending Self-Inflicted Violence by Tracy Alderman.

Good luck with your daughter, and please consider finding a source of support for yourself, as well. It's easy to so completely focus on the person who is in the most pain that we forget to take care of ourselves, too.

My daughter has just informed us that she thinks that she's is gay (she is unsure her self). She is in a current relationship with another woman at the moment, although she has had boyfriends in the past. She is 28 years old. My wife and I are upset and confused and are trying to arrange a meeting with her to discuss the situation face to face. Please help us to help her.

Sexuality can be a very confusing issue for all involved. It can be challenging for the person as well as the family to figure out what being gay means, how to handle it personally and with friends and family members. For family, being a listening ear is important, and being willing to have an open exploration with one another of your feelings, concerns, and fears will help you all get through this time of change. Support from others who have been there can be invaluable. I suggest contacting your local chapter of PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, for yourself or your daughter. Their website is www.pflag.org. Most importantly, know that you guys can get through this WHATEVER her orientation, that some things may change, but she is still the person you have known and loved all these years.

My twelve year old daughter is in 7th grade. Over the past year we have caught her in lies regarding her schoolwork duties and seemingly every area of her responsibilities. She seems to believe that if she hides information from her parents and teachers the responsibility doesn't exist. She hides her eating habits. We're fearful of her continuing this behavior. What can we do?

First, it is important to consider what is going on for your daughter--basically, what she is trying to get out of this behavior. Is she overwhelmed and struggling to balance her responsibilities? She may be avoiding feeling inadequate. Other times teens misbehave to get attention, not likely here since she was hiding this from you. Revenge is another powerful motivator for misbehavior, and kids can be masters at getting back at you when they are angry. Finally, many kids this age are beginning to seek more power, more control over their lives. This is true for every stage, but particularly for kids your daughter's age. This need for control is evident in a toddler who screams until you let them put on their own shoes, or in a teen who stays out way past curfew after you clearly set the limit.

The goal of the misbehavior really determines the response. If she is overwhelmed, you may need to sit down as a family and explore her responsibilities and help her learn how to organize her time. For misbehavior to seek attention, remember that all kids need positive attention, so it's important to notice them when they are doing things well, or making a contribution. All kids have the need to gain more and more control over their life, so give her age-appropriate choices as much as possible, and let her know when you have to make a decision that is not up for discussion. Be fair with this and let her know why. She won't always agree, but she will respond better if things seem fair to her. It is important to talk to her about your concerns, and be prepared to listen as much as you talk. Kids can smell a lecture from a mile away, and will close their ears to it.

If things continue, or your daughter seems to be getting into more and more trouble, you might want to involve the school counselor in mediating, talking alone with your daughter, or helping you with some ideas.

In reading an answer given to a mother trying to deal with this happening to her daughter, it was said that " one day this will all be over." This may be true in some aspects like hoping that the aggressors will "grow out of it" but what about the emotional scarring and the damage to the girl's self esteem? I am a mother in the midst of dealing with a similar situation.

You are right about this being a very painful experience for girls. That is why I would definitely recommend involving your daughter in any decision-making process around facing the situation--to give her back a sense of control. Also, I would stress focusing her on other areas of interest, activities that she enjoys and is successful at. This can help maintain her sense of self-esteem and minimize the impact of the cruel friends. Being a listening ear is important for her--sometimes just knowing you have support can help people get through some very big challenges.

There are times when bullying can become much more serious, and I wouldn't want these situations to be taken lightly. Bullying can take a dangerous turn, to physical assault or serious threats. It can also become serious for the person who is a target, as teens are very prone to depression. If this is the case, I would encourage parents to talk to the school and go up the chain of command until they reach the person who is going to take immediate action. Yes, kids will be kids to some extent, but when bullying and relational aggression get to the point of emotional scarring or physical danger, schools should have a no-tolerance approach. We have the right to demand that.

If you are in the Central Texas area, please consider coming to hear Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out speak. There is information about the event on our homepage. Bring your daughter!

Please help. Am new to a small town, and was faced with my daughter's response to a recent aggressive move from a fellow male student. She used the words "...kill him...". With no extended family or friends, it is difficult approaching the school board alone, though this is what I must do. I'm also realizing that honest, direct communication is vital, from my daughter and throughout. His teacher actually told me that he had tried to kiss her in a gym class, where she was found crying. My daughter had told me about this boy following her at school, refusing to listen and leave her alone. I regret she wasn't able to share the depth of what had happened privately and that I was made aware of this yesterday. Am very frusturated, and outraged that further effort has not already been made within the school educating the whole student body that this is a crime, an aggressive, unwanted behavior that must have consequences. Forgive my rant, and thank you for hearing me. Sadly enough my own education of the violence towards females is beginning, though I realize the need for support in such matters. I plan to approach those who can help bring this to light, and make a firm point to this boy and his parents that we must as a community teach that this behavior is wrong. I'd like to bring some insight as well as facts and knowledge of our rights, hers and mine as a parent. Any informatin, guidance, and referrals will be much appreciated. This is a small consertive community with little diverse energy or advocacy. Please help us deal with this in a most efficient, effective, enlightened way possible. Peace & Blessings to you and your efforts.

I am not sure from your letter what went on with this boy, but it is obvious that it has really upset your daughter and you. We want so much to protect our children, and believe that school is a safe place, and it can be very disturbing to find out that your child is feeling this vulnerable at school. I wonder what the teacher knows about what is happening, and also if the principal is aware? You might check the handbook on the formal policy on harassment. Things are probably going to be handled differently at this age, but all authority figures at school need to be on the same page about this. They need to communicate clearly to this boy that what he is doing is wrong, that the consequence if he keeps doing it will be xyz, and they need to be clear on how they are going to keep him away from your daughter. A good initial approach is to see yourself, the teacher, the school as a team who together is there to keep your daughter safe and teach this boy what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Let the teacher and principal know how this is affecting your daughter and ask for specific steps to be taken. This might mean the lunch monitor, PE teacher, librarian, etc. need to be alerted so they can keep the kids separate. If you don't see serious action, or if you feel like your concerns are being dismissed, by all means go to the school board. You also asked for references, and I found a good website at http://www.familyeducation.com/home/ There is a great deal of information around schooling, including school safety and bullying. I also think you will find books addressing bullying would have some good strategies for parents and also considerations from the teacher and principal's perspective.

What is the best way to be useful in helping young women. I am married and want to reach out to young girls who are suffering with many of the crisis' that are mentioned. I have my own experience in some areas...I am somewhat new in town and want to start speaking to groups of young women. I have a lot to offer...any suggestions on how to present material would be helpful....Thank You

How great that you want to get involved in helping young women! There are a lot of great organizations in town that would love to have volunteers. I hope you filled out a volunteer form on our web site under "Get Involved". There is definitely room for you! Other great organizations in Austin include Big Brothers/Big Sisters at www.bbbscentraltx.org, Communities in Schools at www.cisaustin.org, and Safeplace at www.austin-safeplace.org. You can also contact the local United Way Volunteer Center at 512-323-1898 to get hooked up with any number of organizations that need you.

My daughter is in the 8th grade. Since Christmas of 2002 she has become the target of a group of three girls. The three girls whisper when they see her and roll their eyes at her. She has had friends that now won't talk to her anymore. My daughter is a smart girl and we have tried to bring her up to respect others but it is getting harder each day for her to do that. My husband and I can't talk to the girls about this directly because of our jobs with the school. What is the best way for my daughter to handle this? I have read all of the Ophelia books and Odd Girl Out. However none have given any advice that I can say "here read this, let's try this." Please advise.

I have to be honest that I've been puzzling over this situation. I can see the sticky situation you are in with your positions at the school, but also know that sometimes adult intervention actually brings more scorn from the harassers. There are times to get an adult to intervene, such as when there is a threat of harm, and times another course of action may be the lesser of two evils. Unfortunately, there may not be a perfect solution that would convince these girls to completely lay off. That may be something that just happens over time.

One consequence of harrassment like this is that the person who is the target feels a loss of control. Having your daughter involved in finding a reasonable course of action is essential to helping her feel like she has some control here. You might want to sit down as a family and have a brainstorming session. To do this, first have everyone throw out any and all possible responses, even those that initially seem silly or unreasonable. You don't want to analyze and reason, just write down every idea you can come up with. When you run out of ideas, go back through and begin discussing each one. Many you will probably be able to eliminate without much thought (like moving to China or beating them up), others will be worth coming back to and examining. Think of the possible consequences and have your daughter give her input on which ones she would be willing to do, which consequences she can live with.

As parents, we want to fix things for our children, it's a natural, normal protective instinct. If what she tries doesn't make the girls stop bothering her, the focus may have to be on helping her figure out how to cope. That may mean avoiding and ignoring as much as possible. Definitely that means focusing on her friends and her interests. One terrible result for some teens is that they withdraw into themselves, with the avoidance of trouble being their sole focus. If your daughter has other things she can focus on, that may make it easier to cope until the girls lose interest.

If they are making threats or being physical in any way, the situation changes. There are school policies that address intimidation and consequences should have been laid out by the district for every student. That is the point when administration actions becomes essential. In the meantime, be an ear and a support to your daughter and know that at some point this will be over.

My 4 year old is asking the question, "Where do we go when we die?" What should I say?

Great question! I would suggest answering in the most straightforward way you can, taking into account your child's age and your own beliefs. If you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, you can tailor your response around those beliefs ( for example, "We go to heaven, which is a peaceful place, etc."). If you do not have a religious belief, use your own ideas about the here-after as your guide. I think what is most important for children is that they feel safe and secure. You may want to explain that no one is quite sure what happens, but that it may be different from our lives today. Young children are very concrete thinkers, so try to keep your answers brief and concrete. As your child matures, you can add more information and ideas, and she/he will surely have more questions! I think it is important to emphasize with young children that they will probably be alive for a long time, and so will you.

How do you recommend parents minimize the impact the media has with our young teens regarding body image? Specifically, how do we help our daughters realize that these ultra thin, beautiful models are not what they should aspire to be?

I think the best way to combat the impact of the media is to provide young girls with information that refutes what they are seeing. Also, one needs to communicate to young girls that their worth is not measured by their body size.

Good facts to know:

• Models 20 years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.
• The models in the magazine have the benefit of being air brushed...they are not perfect. You are not looking at reality when you look at magazines.
• The average woman is 5'4" and weighs 144. The average model is 5'9"-6' and weighs 110-118.
• There are 3 billion women who don't look like super models.
• A 1995 psychological study found that 3 minutes spent looking at models in fashion magazines caused 70% of females to feel depressed, guilty and shameful.

It is important also to communicate messages such as that below to young teens:

Additionally the Eating Disorders Awareness Program has a Media Advocacy Program, where as a concerned citizen you can become a watchdog for advertisements that glorify thinness. For more information on how to become an active watch dog visit http://www.edap.org/.

How can I compete with the sexy-turning-slutty teen-ish pop stars of today? I fondly remember Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, who certainly were more fully clothed than Christina Aguilera. I know there has always been emphasis on sex in the music business, but these girls' videos seem a bit rated R even for me. And their fan base is quite young, as evidenced by my 8-yr old niece. How do I censor what is inappropriate without my daughter feeling I'm "controlling" her life? (I remember telling my own mother with rolled eyes how Madonna was "just music".)

It is very difficult to combat what is propagated by the media and pop culture, but young girls need to be protected from inappropriate information and if you think there is too much sex in the Music Videos your daughter is watching then you need to lay out some clear limits about what is appropriate and what is not. Let your daughter know why you are setting these limits and when you think she will be of appropriate age to view such material. Come from a place of concern rather than control. In the end although your daughter will most likely be grateful, when children receive too much inappropriate information they become confused as to how they should be in the world. By providing limits you take the confusion out of their experience and provide them with a safe place to experience and grow.

I want to be closer to my daughter, age 12, but she just won't open up. She all of a sudden acts like I'm a pest! We used to be so close. What can I do?

Keep letting your daughter know how you feel and keep asking her to express her emotions on a regular basis. It is important for her to have a place where it feels safe to talk about her struggles when she's scared or feels she has made a mistake. You might want to encourage her to engage with you through other forms of communication. Invite her to write letters to you. It is important for you to express your feelings and model healthy communication. Let her know that you would like to have an emotional dialogue so she doesn't feel like you are being intrusive and wanting to control her. Rather you want to invite her to talk. Providing a constant open invitation means that you will listen to her without judgment and will give encouragement and reassurance.

My daughter is a kind, sweet and smart girl, but she doesn't seem to have many friends. Should I worry?

Your daughter may simply have an introverted temperament and be quite content with a more solitary life. Yet it is important for all young people to have some social interactions. Most children learn how to be social within the family. If you are concerned about your daughter's socialization make sure that opportunities be provided to her where she contributes to family relationships. Provide her with tasks that help contribute to the maintenance of the home. It is important that your daughter feels needed and feels that she has something to offer. If she feels like a burden or somehow guilty, within the family, she is going to be less inclined to engage with her peers because she will fear becoming a burden to them as well.

My daughter (15) is expressing a decided preference to spend time with her father. I'm beginning to feel like a "third wheel" Is it me? Or is it her?

It is actually very healthy for your daughter to be spending time with her father. Girls reach a critical age where they begin thinking about boys and their relationships with their fathers become extremely important. A daughter learns from a father's positive affirming interactions that she is "OK", that she is attractive, intelligent and important. Fathers also teach their daughters that it OK to say NO to boys. When a young girl experiences healthy interactions between herself and her father, the stage becomes set for her to have healthy relationship with the opposite sex later in life.

My daughter's drivers ed coach this summer kept making comments about "women drivers" and generally had a sexist attitude (according to her) Should I say something about it to the company?

YES. Support your daughter.

My daughter is 5 years old and lives with me (single). She appears to be pretty well adjusted. Her father is currently married to his 3rd wife (of about 18 months) and has two teen aged children from his second marriage. His best quality is that he has been and continues to share a regular (pretty consistent) part of the lives of all of his children. Even though we were not married, her father basically sees my daughter every other weekend and Wednesday nights. He volunteers at her school (kindergarten now and day care previously), and we rotate major holidays. She can visit and phone him whenever she likes within reason (I may not allow her to call to ask for a visit after a certain hour just because I want her to understand that people need time for planning.). We both are flexible with visits as things do pop up where I need to go out of town for work or his mother is coming to town or I have plans to visit my family out of state. The problem is that recently (not sure exactly when it started) when we talk about her regular time to visit her father she gets emotional and tells me that she doesn't want to go. She will tell me that he is mean or he yells at her or puts her in time out or that she just doesn't love him as much as me or anything to try to get me not to send her. I have explained many times that I love her, and even though we might miss each other, I am happy that she sees her father because he too loves her and needs to spend time with her. I have asked her for specifics about why she doesn't want to go, but can't get anything beyond the above. We have talked about good touching and bad touching, I have talked to her about telling me anything that bothers her and reassuring her that I will always love her and no one will hurt me. I have watched her with him and her step-mother. They all seem very fond of each other, etc. My question is do I need to take her to a counselor? Is this behavior normal due to her flip flopping between homes, rules etc. or should I be worried that something else is going on? What do you think?

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have been very supportive to your daughter. Have you talked with her father to see if he is noticing changes in her? Is he aware of her feelings? One option would be to conference with him about it, to brainstorm possible causes for her stress, and to get a plan for dealing with it that you both agree on. Has she had any recent stressful events in her life? For instance, has she changed schools, or started school? Is she aware of the September 11th disaster? These kinds of events can increase a child's need for security, and she may feel more secure with you at this time. If she continues to have difficulty going to visit her father (for, say, a few months) you may want to consider some family counseling that could involve both you and her father as well. For the time being, trying to increase her sense of security and control is a good idea. I also think checking out what is going on in her father's house is a good idea, to make sure you and her father are on the same page about time-outs, etc.

I have a 12 1/2 year old daughter. She never seems happy. She is usually angry about something, anything. It is very difficult to talk to her because she always has an attitude problem. She seems to look at things negatively. What can I do to be able to talk to her without her more effectively, and have her not in such a bad mood all the time?

My first suggestion is to think back to when you were 12 years old and what a confusing world it was. You're at this in-between age where your body is changing, hormones raging, demands from school are increasing, dealing with unpredictable and often cruel social relationships, but still a kid! I think it can really help to approach our kids with some level of understanding and empathy for the pressure they feel, all the while trying to cope with the skills of a 12 year old--it's hard!

Second, consider your approach. I've heard very well-meaning parents approach their kids with a conversation-killing opening such as, "What in the world do you have to be so angry about?" or "What's the matter with you?!" Instead, you want to convey that you care and you are willing to listen. Ex: "You seem pretty angry today." I heard a wonderful phrase that really speaks to the connection you form when you really listen--"Seek to understand". Another good one is to listen with "delighted attention".

By the way, if you have the suspicion that this is anything beyond teen angst, consider that millions of teen suffer from depression and need to see a counselor for this. If she makes statements that indicate doom or no future ("what's it all worth, anyhow?"), hopelessness, drastic change in eating or sleeping, or any threats of suicide ("you'll be sorry when I'm gone!")-- get help immediately! Take her to her pediatrician, talk to the school counselor, or get her into counseling ASAP. It's also ok to ask if she has had thoughts of hurting herself. This comes as a relief to many people who are suicidal. Good luck!

My almost 16 yr old daughter has had the same small group of friends since elementary school. For several yrs. they always included each other and seemed to care about each other's feelings. As they got older they began excluding my daughter at times. They would do it in such blatant ways that she knew that they were deliberately ditching her. I have held her on many occasions when she cries and cries. I have told her many times that it is not her but a character flaw in these girls. The following week she may be included, maybe not. The school that she goes to is very small so making new friends is not really an option. I have told her that there is nothing wrong with her, I spend time with her but my heart aches for her and I can't force these girls to act with decency. She won't even tell them that they have hurt her for fear of more of the same and being made fun of. Have any suggestions? I dread Fridays until she tells me that she has plans and then I sigh inside with relief. I hope that all of this stuff she's been through makes her a stronger person and doesn't cause her too much damage.

Girls can be so cruel! Your daughter is lucky she has such a caring parent in you--that can make a world of difference. While you can't "make" these girls be nice, there are a couple of approaches to consider. You said your daughter is reluctant to talk to them. This can be pretty productive if she is willing. It may get a response, but more importantly it can be a powerful lesson in assertiveness for your daughter. This is a pretty neglected skill for women, and one that is essential to success in life. The best way to do this is for her to get her friends one-on-one and let them know how their actions make her feel, then let them know what she wants. Ex: When you make fun of me, I feel humiliated and embarrassed. If you don't want to be friends, I wish you would just let me know instead of putting me down. It's very difficult to be cruel in the face of honesty and assertiveness. Of course, there IS always a chance that they won't care.

In that case, have a conversation with your daughter about the qualities she feels are important in friends. Is she getting that here? If not, what does that mean for her? Ideally we can all get to the point in life where we say to ourselves (and others) "if you can't treat me with the respect I deserve, I don't want to associate with you." In a big way, by continuing to accept the occasional bone her friends are throwing her, your daughter is letting them know it's ok to treat her with contempt. She DOES deserve better! Yes, there are drawbacks--it may mean more weekends on her own. This is something you can weigh with her.

Why do girls and young women need leadership skills?

Several reasons: People with leadership skills have more control over their lives, have better professional skills, contribute more to the achievement of a group, and experience more personal growth and satisfaction.

Society is recognizing more and more that these are learned skills, and you can find quite a few programs, summer camps, academic courses that address these skills. In these courses, you will probably find topics such as communication skills, developing an ethical framework, creative thinking, and team-building skills.

Or you could consider the words of humor columnist Lewis Grizzard, "Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

My sister is raising a 10 year old as a single mother. The family is concerned because she does not always set a good example. My niece is receiving inappropriate messages about romantic relationships. How might I steer my niece in the right direction without making her mom look wrong?

It can be challenging when someone you care about has a radically different value system from you. An important first step is to examine the reason behind your feelings and concerns. If your niece is exposed to dangerous or harmful situations, it is pretty important to address the issue with your sister. If this is just a value difference, your role may need to be to simply set a different example. Children and young teens are just in the process of developing critical thinking skills, and they tend to think the relationships they see are "the way they are". Ex: if a child grows up in a household with domestic violence, they often accept this as part of marriage. If you want your niece to know that there are alternatives, you can talk to her about this. Ask her what SHE thinks about relationships, what kind of relationship she wants. You could buy her a couple of good age-appropriate books about relationships.

I think you are right to feel cautious about getting involved here. If you have a close relationship with your niece, you have more room to be available to her. There is a possibility, though, that your sister will tell you to butt out, and ultimately this is her right as a mother. Just about every family goes through the uncomfortable experience of trying to change each other, then growing to realize that they can love one another despite their differences. I hope you guys are able to find some common ground here, because it sounds like there has been some friction.

Good luck!

As a new teacher I am faced daily with the reality that the friendships between my girl students are becoming more vicious. I find it frustrating how one day they are best friends and the next they hate each other because one was writing on the board. Many of their fights don't make sense. I feel like I am running out of options. The students have tried to compromise and work out their differences, I have been a mediator, it seems like nothing helps. What is out there that I can use in my classroom or that I can refer to the student/parents.

What you are talking about is relational aggression, a very common, very hurtful and frustrating phenomenon where kids (particularly girls) target each other for such emotional destruction that it is shocking to teachers and parents. I think it's a product of our culture that sets women up to compete. Remember that commercial that had a woman stating, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"? The underlying message there is--you SHOULD hate me because I'm beautiful, or it's NORMAL to hate me because I'm beautiful. As far as addressing it, there is a good book titled Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons. It addresses the problem and also discusses some strategies for parents and teachers.

This can be a challenge to confront for parents and teachers, because the logical solution for us would be to dump these cruel friends. But just as women survivors of domestic violence have a hard time leaving their batterer, young girls seem to be drawn back over and over to friends who brutalize their sense of self. I think a good and necessary conversation to have addresses the teens' ideas about the qualities of a good friendship, whether or not their friendships reflect this, and what they feel they should do about it if not. Sometimes teens don't realize they have a choice in this! Wouldn't it be great to hear a picked-on girl say, "You have been pretty cruel to me, and I don't want a friend like that. Please don't call me anymore!"

I have a 15 year daughter, nearly 16, who is afraid to talk to her father. He is not abusive, just difficult to talk to. She is not alone in thinking this! I wonder if you have any recommendation for books suitable for her age that I could get for her to help her deal with this lack of courage. Thank you.

I wonder if this is an issue only with her father, or if your daughter has a hard time talking to other people as well? If this is a concern in general with your daughter, she may benefit from some guidance on being more assertive. If this is her father's issue, she may just need some support in how to deal with him specifically.

I found several intriguing books on the internet, including:

• Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write About Their Search for Self by Sara Shandler
• Picture the Girl: Young Women Speak Their Minds by Audrey Shehyn
• Teens Can Make It Happen: Nine Steps for Success by Stedman Graham
• Life Strategies for Teens by Jay McGraw, Phil McGraw, and Benjamin Vincent

These all deal with teens, self-esteem, and empowerment. Empowerment is SO important for teens, especially girls. That you would seek out resources for your daughter shows what a caring parent you are!

My 11 year old over the past 3-4 months has gotten very boy crazy. She has a friend that seems to facilitate this and I have told her to stop the talk and focus on more important things. I feel she is making bad choices and how much should I intervene to stop what I consider as "bad ways"? She seems to be good in all other areas. I feel she lacks the common sense to see her way out.

There are 2 issues that stand out for me here: how to handle your child when you disapprove of a friend or dating partner, and how to handle your child's sudden interest in the opposite sex. First, let me reassure you that being "boy crazy" is very normal at your daughter's age. I vividly remember (with some embarrassment) chasing a particular boy around the playground in the 5th grade. My concern for ANYONE interested in relationships is that they not lose their sense of self when they focus so intently on romance. Do you remember how easy it was to reshape yourself in an attempt to attract the object of your affection?

A couple of suggestions are:

• Be careful about "forbidding" an interest in boys--forbidden acts tend to be much more seductive to teens and pre-teens, and her interests will just go underground, cutting you out of the loop. Instead, work with your daughter to set limits. What is acceptable? When can she expect to earn more privileges related to the opposite sex? Your goal here is to give her a tiny bit of leeway, more and more over time until she is old enough, experienced enough to be able to make good decisions independently.

• Help support interests and activities that support your daughter's sense of self. Does she play an instrument? Sports? Drama? Help her find something that develops a unique talent, and be her biggest cheerleader!

The issue of your daughter's friend is a sticky one. The same principle from above applies here--forbidden people only become more attractive. Kids can be extremely protective of their friends. This is also normal, as she moves from being very parent-oriented to being peer-oriented. That is natures' way of preparing her to move out into the world, independent of you. (Hard thought, isn't it?) A good piece of advice I heard is to keep your child's friends very, very close to your family.

Get to know them, get to know their parents, know what your child is doing when they are together. It is absolutely acceptable, ok, and necessary to express concerns to your daughter about a friend who worries you. Avoid the lecture, but seek to understand. The last thing you want to do is drive a wedge between your daughter and yourself. Open the door to communication, and leave it open.

My sister, niece and nephew are going through a divorce right now and I was wondering if you know of some helpful and enlightening books to help them through this time?

For adults, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci, and Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher.

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families by Laurene Krasny Brown is for ages 4 to 8.

My Parents are Divorced, Too: A Book for Kids by Kids by Jan Blockstone-Ford and It's Not the End of the World by Judy Blume are for ages 9 to 12.

For teens, it seems most of the books are in the fiction area, which is a good way to feel connected and understood. One non-fiction book listed is Keeping Your Life Together When Your Parents Pull Apart: A Teen's Guide to Surviving Divorce by Angela Hunt. Books can be a great way to open conversation with kids about their feelings. You can also encourage them to journal or draw a picture about their feelings, depending on their age.

My daughter's schoolmates have a history of sexual harassment. I would like to bring this up with the administration in an empowering, non-finger pointing way that deals with the issue, not with specifics that would single my daughter out. Any resources you could point me toward for advice?

Protection of girls (and boys) from sexual harassment in public schools is addressed under Title IX of the Educational Amendment from 1972. The specific section states that, "No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance". This means that, since schools get federal funds, they are required to protect the kids from gender discrimination. What we have seen in schools is that when sexual harassment is going on, girls suffer and this harms their educational experience. Schools should have a formal policy that is spelled out in the handbook.

While all this is true, the situation boils down to how you as a parent address it when the school is not taking appropriate action. Hopefully, the school is just unaware of the situation. Unfortunately, some schools just don't take it very seriously and this leaves it to the child and parent to address the matter.

When we approach any problem, there is a range of methods to choose from. The lowest level of conflict in addressing a problem is approaching with the idea of partnership. At the other end of the spectrum is confrontation, which can be highly conflictual, but is sometimes necessary to get the job done (think lawsuits, demonstrations--these are high-level confrontations). It is always good to begin with the lowest level of conflict, because once you pull out the big guns, it's hard to back down, and it can get nasty.

You might begin by familiarizing yourself with the district's formal policy on sexual harassment. You should find this in the student or parent handbook. If you don't have one you can get it from the district. If you approach administration assuming the best (they just don't know what is going on) vs. the worst (they don't care it's going on), this can help put you in the right mind set. Use "partnering language", like, "I know our school is very concerned about this issue", "What can we do to help?" The challenge may be that they will need to know some specifics if they are going to address it. Since this is something that your daughter is going to have to face continually, it sounds like she is going to need to be involved in any action taken. You could work together on assertiveness skills to confront any problem behavior as it happens or have a conversation about other options like going to a teacher or counselor, and weigh the costs and benefits of each. Since kids are not likely to behave in a harassing way in front of staff, if the matter is going to be addressed at the school level, they will need to know what is going on and who is doing it. There is truly power in numbers, so maybe getting her friends in to band together would make her more comfortable coming forward.

I hate even to be worrying about this, but I am the mother of a beautiful 11-yr-old daughter. Both my daughter and are somewhat worried about the size of my daughter's slightly large girth around her abdomen. I have tended to think that it might just be prefatory to menstruation; I seem to remember that I had that shape prior to starting menstruation. Is that a normal trend? I try to reassure my daughter that this tummy fat is just a normal stage of development, but she feels "fat," and my husband acts as though I'm in denial. My daughter is actually within normal limits of height/weight, I think; she's about 4 ft 10 in and weighs about 100 lb. But with all the concern over childhood obesity and the concurrent need to reassure girls concerning their body image, I really am not sure what to do or think. My daughter DOES NOT want to discuss this with our pediatrician. Please let me know what you think.

I have definitely seen children hang onto a little "baby fat" that seems to melt off when they hit puberty and their metabolism kicks in. Of course, there is also a great deal of variety in body shape. It seems these days that girls have body consciousness much earlier than they used to, and spend time fretting over normal conditions. If you are concerned, you might want to talk to the pediatrician privately, before or after a visit to get some reassurances for yourself. I'm sure if there was any cause for concern the pediatrician would have mentioned it. It's also important that all kids get a decent amount of "active time", and have time in front of a screen (computer, tv, video games) limited for their own health. If your family is not already doing so, you might want to consider a hobby or family activity that would get everyone in the household moving together, like riding bikes or hiking.

I was wondering how science, math, and technology affect the empowerment of girls.

Technology is a piece of almost any job at this point, especially professional careers. Without a basic understanding of computers, people severely limit their choices in life. Women have traditionally been under-represented in the areas of science, math, and technology, and are really benefiting by getting into those fields. Not only is there a great deal of power associated with these jobs, there is more money, which can mean greater financial independence and again--more choices in life.

It's sad but true that in this country, careers that attract more men tend to pay more. The two ways to address this inequality are:

• for women to break into these fields more, and
• for women in careers with lower pay to demand the respect and pay they deserve.

Does an engineer work harder than a teacher? No way!

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