If you're reading this, you obviously have Internet access.  And you may know much more about the Internet than your parents do.  A lot has changed in the lives of teens in the last 15 years:  caller ID took all the fun out of an afternoon of making prank calls, you never have to wonder where your friends are, you can just page them or call on their cell phones.  And you probably never get yelled at by your parents to get off the phone when they are expecting an important call, since you have call-waiting.  So while you probably have all kinds of safety rules to follow about dating, curfew, going out alone with friends, your parents may not be all that familiar with safety on the Internet.  There are some obvious things, like not giving your account information and passwords out to other people, and they probably don't want you checking out adult sites.  There are also some guidelines that are not so obvious, but may be even more important.

30 million people use the Internet:  interesting people, people just looking for a good conversation, along with convicted felons and sex offenders (people who have committed sex crimes against others).  According to the FBI, computer-sex offenders almost always meet their targets, young girls, in chat rooms.  It can be a lot of fun to discuss interests and issues with other people, and most of the time chatting is harmless.  One exciting feature of a chat room is that people are anonymous, so you can be whoever you want to be.  This is also what makes chat rooms potentially dangerous.  You do not know the person you are chatting with is a 14 year old boy from New Mexico, only that they told you they were.  Pedophiles are adults who are sexually interested in children, and they may seek out teen-interest chat rooms in order to find a target.  So, the person identifying himself as a 17 year old, cute football player may really be a 42 year old man looking for vulnerable young women to engage in sex with.  According to our local paper, in the Austin/San Marcos area, nearly 40 men have been arrested in our area during the last year after they arranged to meet young teen girls for sex.  The teen girls turned out to be undercover agents conducting a sting in cooperation with the Texas Attorney General's office.

There are two important things for you to know when you use the Internet.  One is how to avoid trouble, and the other is how to get out of it when it finds you.  The following tips will help:

Safety Tips:

• Choose a neutral screen name for chat rooms and message boards.  Yes, you will get attention if you use SexiJenny, but it will not be the kind of attention you probably want.  People can be extremely aggressive in seeking girls and being sexually inappropriate.  If you find yourself receiving unwanted attention, you can always log off and back in with a name that is gender neutral and not suggestive.  If you're interested in a hobby or music, turn it into a screen name, like SoccerFan, or RocknRoll4Ever.
• Do not give out personal information in a chat room or in your profile.  This would be like writing your name and phone number on the bathroom wall in a public place; millions of people have access to this information.  Personal information includes your last name, phone number, address, school, where you work, etc.
• Trust your instincts!  If someone is talking to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you are feeling that way for a reason.  Probably because they are stepping over the line.  People will likely ask you questions that are intensely personal, so you might give thought to how much information you are willing to share before you even log in.  And come up with some snappy responses if you don't want to answer them, like, "Sorry, that's classified information" or "I would tell you, but then I'd have to alert the Department of Homeland Security".  If you tell someone more than once and they persist, use the "ignore" function on your keypad to block them out.
• Learn to say no and don't feel bad about it.  The people you are talking to are total strangers.  If someone walked up to you in the mall and said, "Hey, I'm Brian.  Are you a virgin?", you would think they were nuts and probably tell them so.  The same goes for people on the Internet.  You can respectfully tell someone no, and if they disrespect you by pushing you to talk about something you don't want to, don't give a second thought to hitting "Ignore", to leaving the room, or logging off and back on with a different name.
• Don't open e-mail or attachments from someone you don't know.  You could be subjecting yourself to a virus or inappropriate or explicit email.
• If someone sends you pornography, threatens you, or says something sexually inappropriate to you, let your parents know and report the information to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at 800-843-5768.  You may help stop someone who is intent on hurting girls and young women.
• If you want to meet someone face-to-face that you have met online, talk to your parents about this option.  Next, insist on talking with the person over the phone first to get a feel for their age.  If they say they are a teen, have your parent talk with their parent.  Someone who is trying to victimize you will not allow this to happen, or won't have parents present.  If you and your parents feel comfortable arranging a meeting after these steps have happened, meet in a crowded public place and take friends or ideally a parent with you.  Do not agree to leave with the person, even if they seem legitimate.

You might also check out the following resources for further information:

Safety Ed International
FBI Parents' Guide to Internet Safety

The Internet is a fantastic tool for entertainment and for information.  We can now shop, read books, and check the weather in Chicago or Australia without leaving our seats!  Along with this convenience come potential hazards, just as in every area of our life.  30 million people use the Internet:  interesting people, people of stellar character, along with people who do not share your values, convicted felons, and sex offenders.  When our children learn to drive or go to the mall alone, we send them out with rules and guidelines for safety.  We need to do the same with the Internet.

According to the FBI, computer-sex offenders almost always meet their targets in chat rooms.  Chat rooms are available for users to discuss a particular topic or interest, such as music groups, sports, religion, or general teen areas.  There are several people in a chat room at a time, talking with one another.  It can be a lot of fun to discuss interests and issues with other people, and most of the time chatting is harmless.  One exciting feature of a chat room is that people are anonymous, so you can try on any persona.  This is also what makes chat rooms potentially dangerous.  Your child does not know the person they are chatting with is a 14 year old boy from New Mexico, only that they told her they were.  Pedophiles intentionally seek out teen-interest chat rooms in order to find a target, so the person identifying as 17 years old, cute football player may be a 42 year old man trolling for vulnerable young women.  According to our local paper, in the Austin/San Marcos area, nearly 40 men have been arrested in our area during the last year after they arranged to meet young teen girls for sex.  The teen girls turned out to be undercover agents conducting a sting in cooperation with the Texas Attorney General's office.

If you and your family are clear about the guidelines for Internet use and understand some of the warning signs, there is no reason to fear the Internet.  Discuss these issues with your family.

Safety tips:

• Have an open dialog with your child about the positive and negative aspects of the Internet.  Listen to their ideas as much as you talk.
• Explore the Internet with your child.  Have them show you some of their favorite sites, look up information together.  Use the Internet as a bonding experience, not a tool of isolation.
• Keep the computer in a public area.  If others are able to view the screen, teens will be less inclined to let their natural curiosity lead them into violent, graphic, or inappropriate sites, or intimate conversations with strangers.
• Talk with your child about appropriate and inappropriate information to share.  They need to be clear that they are not to share personal information, like real name, school, address, or photos with someone on the Internet they do not know personally.
• Install filtering software.  There are many good programs available that help you decide what information you want to limit or restrict.  Be aware that filters cannot keep out all harmful sites, so you still need to be involved.
• Maintain access to your child's online account.  Periodically monitor the e-mail they are receiving and the sites they have visited.  Be up front with your child about why you are doing this.
• Talk with your child about the people they chat with online.  Be willing to be open-minded, ask about their conversations and if your child has ever felt uncomfortable or uneasy about things the other person said.  Help them learn to listen to and trust their instincts about people.
• If they arrange a face-to-face meeting with an online friend, go with them!  Talk with your teen about whether or not this is ever appropriate.  Some experts encourage forbidding this, others suggest discussing situations where your child is considering meeting an on-line friend.  The worst scenario is to be so hard-and-fast with rules that your child becomes secretive and refuses to talk to you about things, but instead goes behind your back.  Share your uneasiness about meeting someone they chatted with, and if you feel that a compromise is in order, insist they meet this person in a public place, get their agreement not to leave that location with the person, and you go with them.  Legitimate friendships can happen online, but the level of danger increases dramatically when they begin meeting friends in person that they only know online.
• If your child has been solicited online or has been exposed to inappropriate material, report the information to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at 800-843-5768.

Teens can spend a lot of time online.  It is reasonable on your part to discuss with them a time limit, so they also have time to spend with family, on homework, and doing other activities.  How much time per day do they think is fair?  How much time do you think is fair?  Can you reach a compromise?

As independent as your child is becoming, and as much as they want to spend time with friends, they also need you to be an active part of their life.  In the moment, they may prefer to sit in front of the computer and chat or play games instead of going for a walk with you, but in the long run, you are essential to them and the computer is fluff.  Covet your time together and nurture your relationship.

You might also check out the following resources for further information:

Safety Ed International
FBI Parents' Guide to Internet Safety

If you consider yourself pretty open minded and never thought you’d be saying half the things you do about your daughter’s choice of clothing, music, and television – welcome to the world of being the mother of a pre-adolescent girl.

High-heeled boots, low-necked blouses that emphasize her endowments, and hip-hugger bell-bottom pants that fall below the belly button. These are just some of the clothes that my daughter wants to wear. For more formal occasions the plea is to dress in mini-skirts that barely cover, and of course to have fishnet stockings to complete the outfit. Then there are the sweat pants and shorts with provocative sayings that go right across her behind. She’s been asking for second and third pierces in her ears and would love to pierce her belly button as well. Did I mention that my daughter just turned eleven?

Why would a pre-adolescent girl want to wear such provocative things you may ask? Well, if you’ve visited the junior girls department of any major department store recently, these are the fashions that are being marketed to girls who have outgrown the children’s department and are junior size 4-14. Lauren has always been big for her age. She outgrew the children’s department when she was ten, which left us with the dilemma of shopping for jeans that fit her around the hips, yet were still at least five inches too long. Now that she’s grown taller, at least I don’t have to face the tears that occurred when I had to hem and cut off most of the beloved bellbottoms dragging dangerously over her shoes as she walked.

Don’t designers realize that since kids are growing faster at a younger age, they should provide clothing in department stores that are more appropriate in size and style for 10-12 year-old girls? Girls especially, go through an awkward stage where many become heavier in the waist before the growth spurt that occurs in adolescence. It not only damages their self-image when they can’t fit into clothing designed more for “skinny girls” but can lead a girl into having an unrealistic expectation about what her body should look like.

I’m afraid to let my daughter walk home from school wearing the clothes that she would like to wear. I don’t believe that a girl is “asking for it” by the way she dresses, but am more concerned that older boys might think she was closer to their age and approach her, not to mention dirty older men who happen to be driving by.

The choice of clothing is a status symbol that determines the clique kids get to “hang” with. Let’s face it; the girls who let their mothers choose sensible clothes are generally not considered to be in the “popular” crowd. It appears that, “smart” girls also don’t make the cut for being in the right clique. Failing at Fairness authors, David and Myra Sadker, write that even girls entering elementary school decidedly ahead academically, “leave high school significantly behind.” On average, girls’ SAT scores are 60 points below boys (lower in all areas). This trend continues to decline in college where girls score 127 points on average below boys on the Graduate Record Exam (GRE). The desire to be popular and liked by the “in crowd” as well as boys becomes more important than bringing home A’s. Not wanting to stand out or risk giving the wrong answer out loud in class also reflects the negative self image that many girls begin have at that age. Even after all the years when feminism tried to fight the stigma associated with smart women known for their brains rather than body, the emphasis on looks exists as much today as ever before.

Feeding that hip promiscuous image is pop culture – especially the music our daughters are listening to on the radio and watching on television. One does not have to watch MTV or Super Bowl Half-Time promoting stars like Britney Spears and Janet Jackson to know that our society places high marks on their sexy rather than smart image. The content of television, radio, movies, and most certainly video games gives clear messages that in order for a female to be considered desirable, they must look sexy and show skin. More alarming is how all of these experiences can set the stage later on for a girl to want to attain an impossibly thin image leading to eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia.

Research shows that girls face special risks during adolescence. According to Dr. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, “The loss of ‘self value’ is at the core of epidemic rates of eating disorders, self-mutilations, depression, drug use and sexual acting out among teen girls.” Statistically, 1 in 5 girls will have an eating disorder by the time they reach their early 20’s. More than 1 in 3 adolescent girls experience a period of serious depression during adolescence and 1 in 10 will suffer a severe depressive episode. These facts and more can be found on this website. GENaustin presents these statistics as evidence of the harm caused by “rampant ‘lookism’ promoted by the media and the culture, gender bias in the classroom and growing awareness among girls of gender stereotypes that devalue women."

But to be fair, total blame doesn’t lie with just the fashion and media industries. Recently, my daughter’s cheerleading team offered the purchase of white sweat pants for the girls to wear when the weather got too cold for short cheerleading skirts. Across the rear end, in bright Kelly green, was the team’s name. When I questioned one of the coaches why the name was put there rather than on the side of the leg or somewhere more appropriate for girls ages 9-12, I was told that if I had a problem with the design, I could buy my daughter a plain pair at the local sports clothing store. Rather than have Lauren feel “out-of-it” by not having the same pants as the rest of her team, of course, I bought her a pair.

What kind of message are we sending to our children? On one hand, schools and parents instruct kids to be respectful of one another, instill the belief that boys and girls have equal opportunities, and give warnings to children – especially girls to be self-protective of child molesters. On the other hand, fashion czars and peer pressure often forces us to dress our daughters in clothing that is provocative and brings attention to their budding sexuality. If this sounds contradictory – it is.

It would be great to not clash with my daughter every time we go shopping for clothes. If only there were more fashion choices with a healthier yet trendy image that she would want to wear. It’s up to the media, retailers, and each and every one of us to affirm a new, bold image of young women, which goes beyond a girl’s sexual identity and resists the unhealthy and unreal images of “female.” As Dr. Pipher suggests, this is accomplished primarily through awareness of unhealthy media messages, self-awareness, body awareness and the learning of specific coping skills.”

I keep telling Lauren, “Slow down, you’ll be grown up before you know it.” And about that second earring pierce - I was able to convince her to wait another two years until she turns thirteen…

Of all the trends to hit Hollywood lately, exposing your true body flaws seems to be the most difficult to believe. The myth of perfection is everywhere and stars of the screen seem to make it a priority to whip their bodies into the tiniest and most beautiful images possible. Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond recently told the world about her tummy tuck and breast augmentation in her memoir Motherhood & Hollywood: How to get a job like mine. Jennifer Connally, Selma Blair and Brittany Murphy were just three of the actresses mentioned in a recent Cosmopolitan article, which discussed the weight loss of the already thin actresses. That same article in the October 2002 issue mentions Christina Ricci’s eating disorder. She’s not the only star to have gone to dangerous lengths to maintain her image---Jamie-Lynn Siegler developed anorexia nervosa after the first season of The Sopranos.

With all of this competition to be flawless, beautiful and thin--why is Jamie Lee Curtis working hard to let it all hang out? The actress appeared in the September issue of More showing her body the way it appears without airbrushing, make-up or flattering lighting. The article was called "True Thighs" and in it Jamie discusses wanting to show the world her true thighs, abs and worry lines. Curtis claimed that the photo shoot wasn’t a publicity stunt, but just another step in her process of reinventing herself. In the article, Curtis explained her reasoning behind the move, "There’s a reality to the way I look without my clothes on ... I don’t have great thighs. I have very big breasts and a soft, fatty little tummy. And I’ve got back fat ... I don’t want the unsuspecting forty-year-old women of the world to think that I’ve got it going on. It’s such a fraud. And I’m the one perpetuating it."

The days of that fraud are over for Curtis. While she admitted to having some plastic surgery, she also admitted that it didn’t work for her. The full-page photo of Curtis appearing on page 91 of that issue doesn’t show a glamorous "Scream Queen", it only shows a woman like many other women. There’s some pudge on her stomach, wrinkles on her face and thick thighs. She looks the way most women would look in a sports bra and spandex pants. But she’s not hunched over, hiding her breasts, trying to cover the flaws with her arms or hands. She stands staring at the camera unafraid, unapologetic and completely confident. Curtis smiles and looks happier than most red carpet shots I’ve seen in years. Her attitude throughout the article is happy, confident and free. It truly does seem that she has become "at peace with her flaws" as the article states.

Is being comfortable with your body the newest trend in Hollywood? While it may not be sweeping the nation quite yet---there are some other promising developments. Sara Rue is an actress getting a lot of buzz this fall television season. Her ABC sitcom, Less Than Perfect, has been signed on for a full season but her weight seems to be the biggest factor in most articles about the new show. Could the latest "It girl" really be a size 12? In an October 21, 2002 article in USA Today, Rue said she dislikes the attention her weight is getting but isn’t making any dieting plans, "The bottom line is I’m healthy, and this is the way I want to be."

Rue isn’t the only actress that’s turning her nose up at the idea of size 0 beauty. Marissa Jaret Winokur is a familiar face in movies and TV’s, appearing in small roles on countless television shows and movies. It wasn’t until she landed the leading role in the Broadway musical of Hairspray that people began to take notice. Earlier this week she penned a one-year agreement with Touchstone Television and ABC to develop a show after her run in the musical ends. In an August 30, 2002 article in USA Today Winokur holds nothing back. She describes herself as "show-biz fat" admitting that she thinks of her weight but doesn’t fixate on it. In the article she says "I would love to lose 10 pounds. I would never lie and say I don’t think about it, but I don’t think about it on a daily basis. I love my body. I don’t like wearing clothes that hide or cover it. I like wearing costumes that show it off."

Granted it’s just three women making no secret of their body comfort. There aren’t any reports of Gwenyth Paltrow or Jennifer Aniston giving up their "zone diets" and hitting the nearest McDonald’s. But it’s a start. There’s hope that body comfort is more than just a temporary trend. There’s hope that it’s the beginning of a new era.

What We Know and Need to Know About Growing Up Female
Published in 1998 by the National Council for Research on Women

What Adolescent Girls Need for Healthy Development...

...from Parents and Family.
...from Educators and Schools.
...from Adult Mentors.
...from Researchers.
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What's Important to Girls and What Parents Can Do to Make a Difference
Taken from a speech by Renee Spencer, LILSW, April 19, 1996 at Hill Country Middle School, Austin, with supplements from Failing at Fairness, the AAUW report, and news articles. Compiled by Teresa Kelly for The Ophelia Project. Renee Spencer is a doctoral student in Human Development and Psychology at the Harvard University Graduate School of Education.

Key Research Projects
The Loss of Confidence
Special Risks for Girls
What is healthy self-esteem in girls?
Things that seem to make a difference in girls
What you can do as parents

This site was last updated on 1/04/2005.

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