|
Several new books provide helpful advice for the parents of teens.
"When We're in Public, Pretend You Don't Know Me:
Surviving Your Daughter's Adolescence So You Don't
Look Like an Idiot and She Still Talks to You" by
Susan Borowitz and Ava L. Siegler
This book from a former Hollywood writer and producer
and a child psychologist encourages mothers to be the
Uncool Mom, a loving authority figure, who neither
babies or tries to be just like her teen. The book
includes the following tidbits:
- Offer sympathy and support rather than solutions.
"The whole point of the teenage years is to give your daughter some time and
space to learn how to get along in life without you."
- Never give an opinion while clothes shopping. If
you want to discourage or encourage certain choices, enlist help of sales staff.
- Depersonalize your ideas. Rather than say, "I think
you should . . ." take a more neutral approach, such as, "There was this great
new acne medicine at the drugstore."
- "No" is the answer to "Don't you trust me?" Say, "I
trust you in terms of being a good person, but I don't necessarily trust how
mature you are to make the right decisions."
"Saving Beauty From the Beast: How To Protect Your
Daughter From An Unhealthy Relationship" by Vicki Crompton and Ellen Zelda
Kessner
Unfortunately, relationship violence is not uncommon.
A study from the Harvard School of Public Health found that one out of five
high-school girls said they had been physically or sexually assaulted by someone
they were dating. And it can happen to any girl, no matter how confident or
athletic or smart or popular. In this book, Crompton offers advice based on her
own real life experiences with teen violence. Crompton’s daughter was killed at
age 15 by an ex-boyfriend. She has also worked with other families of teenage
girls in violent relationships.
Some advice from the book:
- Watch for an ultraromantic, whirlwind start to the
relationship. The boy is charming, seductive, romantic, intense and completely
devoted to the girl. "If a girl has no experience with love, ultrapossessiveness
feels like love."
- Don't set up a Romeo-and-Juliet situation by
forbidding the romance. Talk about how a healthy relationship works. Set limits
on how much time they spend alone.
- Never cut her off emotionally or physically. This
is what the boyfriend wants, because it gives him even more control.
- If you fear she is in immediate physical danger,
take radical action such as sending her to live with relatives in another state.
"Trust Me, Mom -- Everyone Else Is Going!': The New
Rules For Mothering Adolescent Girls" by Roni Cohen-Sandler
Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist, offers concrete
examples of what to say and not to say when communicating with your adolescent
daughter. She uses the acronym BRAIN to remind parents how to relate to their
kids: Be respectful, attuned, involved, and noncontrolling.
Some helpful tips from the book:
- Cut off the conversation when it's no longer
constructive. "If your dialogue continues for what seems like forever or goes
around in circles, recognize that discussing has probably become badgering."
- Tailor her curfew to the situation. Ask, "What is
the most reasonable hour to return home after a particular activity?" A set
curfew can work against parents because teens will find something to kill the
time before they're required to be home.
- Volunteer to drive. "Chauffeuring groups of teens
offers invaluable opportunities to get a keener view of their social
life."
|